You are stuck and looking for help. But you don't feel ready to consult a therapist. Then you quickly turn to a coach. It has become a popular profession! We often see people who have been helped by a coach becoming coaches themselves. In itself, this is a good development that shows that people want to help each other. But perhaps we don't all have to become coaches. In this article, you will discover how reciprocal relationships and community building can match and sometimes exceed the power of coaching.
Coaches help their coachees on their way as Sherpas; they are present, serving and supporting the pilgrims in their journey to the top. Above all, they remain focused on the unique destination of their companion, without losing their way. As a coach you place yourself in the service of others. The right questions lead to better self-understanding, more focus and energy and hopefully to major creative steps forward. If your coachee can move forward, you have done a good job and that not only pays off for you as a coach, but above all it gives you deep satisfaction because you have contributed something good.
But do we necessarily need a coach to become a better version of ourselves? Or should we take a coaching course to help each other? Of course not. We can also 'just' bring a lot of added value to each other.
We tend to underestimate the support and wisdom that comes from good conversations. What a joy a warm and deep conversation with an attentive and involved friend can be! Sometimes we just lack the setting, momentum and full attention to have such conversations. By really being there for each other, listening, through mutual care and attention, we strengthen each other. "I exist because of you, you are somebody because of me."We both feel seen, recognised and nourished when we can be meaningfully present. Being allowed and able to contribute to someone's happiness makes us grow as much as receiving support. That beautiful balance between giving and receiving is also known from the beautiful'Ubuntu philosophy'.[1].
What is the difference between a coach relationship and a reciprocal relationship?
- As a coachee, you ask for help, and that is good. But you feel dependent on your coach, and it remains a business transaction.
- As a coach, you offer your time and attention, you listen deeply, you ask useful questions. You are completely focused on your coachee. You provide a service. How you are doing does not matter.
In a reciprocal relationship there is more balance and equality and people do not need to make special arrangements or pay each other. Quality conversations between equals lead to bonding, to growing together, to enjoying together, to working together, to going for something together, to achieving something together. And that 'togetherness' is the core of joy and meaning.
In reciprocity there is a will to just be there for each other, in a safe way, even without having to give each other advice. Heather Plett describes it beautifully in her book 'holding space’[2]. Keeping space open for each other to talk, to think, to feel, in short... to be. You don't necessarily have to think up clever questions or give tips. You are genuinely interested, inquisitive, you do not take a pedantic or directive stance.
Reciprocity also means continuing to see each other's strength, even when difficult feelings are expressed. All feelings have the right to exist. Daring to share your deep sorrow does not mean that you are pitiful. You listen to each other, without taking over those feelings completely, without wanting to reduce, explain, fix or get rid of them. You welcome everything that is going on. After all, everything that is given a right to exist can transform and flow again.
From the power of reciprocity to the power of the community
Giving this quality of attention and respect to each other is a great gift. For all parties. It also requires the courage to be vulnerable, to share without making excuses. And it requires courage not only to be at the service of others but also to make room for what moves you.
Reciprocity need not be limited to the relationship between two people. If the same principles are applied within a group of people who have the will to invest in each other, we can speak of a learning community.
The strength of this community is greater than the sum of its parts: "We keep each other standing up by sharing what we experience and recognise. By experiencing that we are also different. And that you are not better than me, or you than us."
Experience the power of community
Reciprocity is an art. It is not about telling your story one after the other, but also about deep empathy, being quiet together, giving each other time; that something may resonate deeply. That you also receive a sign or gesture in return about how your reality is coming in; that I empathise with my whole being, without immediately putting my own experience in opposition to it. The power of a learning community is in the multiplication of reciprocal relationships.
At Land aan Zee, we want to create this safe space together. No one is at the service of an other and we are all at the service of ourselves, each other and the environment.
Besides the attention we give to ourselves and others, we also invite you to take care of the place together. Like outside, like inside! A clean and inspiring environment also creates space and clarity on the inside. This demands attention and focus from everyone, but creates togetherness and satisfaction at the same time.
Experience the power of community from September 2023 onward at Land Aan Zee.
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_philosophy
[2] https://centreforholdingspace.com/the-art-of-holding-space
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